When You Don't Feel the Holiness

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Last weekend I escaped to the "wild" mountains of Pigeon Forge. The planning and prepping for 20 people who were all coming in from states away was finally complete, all that was left was to put names to faces and catch up with friends I haven't seen in years. The pieces came together, everyone had a hard time saying goodbye, and no one went away hungry. A successful weekend in the bag!

I was sitting on a couch the second evening, next to an old college friend I haven't seen in over three years, and before we knew it they were sharing struggles of faith as a post-college Catholic in the early stages of parenthood. Church teachings weren't fitting into lifestyle choices, Mass was becoming more optional and less sacramental, and double standards were starting to become more evident in relationships. As a friend, I listened and took in what they were saying. I could hear the pain of doubt in their voice, but just like most conversations, it wasn't until the following day that I realized I was missing what they needed to hear.

I offered my practiced responses about Church teaching ignorance and they would follow up saying, "sure, but I'm not planning on changing what I'm doing. You're just holier than I am." In the moment I was shrugging it off, not really knowing if I could respond in a pious way. It wasn't until I had time to digest this comment I realized why I was unsettled by the seemingly harmless compliment.

The honest answer is I might practice holy habits more often than they do, or know the theological background behind "hot topic" Church teachings, but this doesn't make me a holier person. We're both on our own unique journeys and I'm just as broken in my own ways—I have my habitual sins, I struggle to keep at bay the judgmental thoughts and gossip like anyone else, and most days I end up choosing the selfish answer. It doesn't instantly make me a holier person, but it does confirm I have a personal relationship with Our Lord.

If I think it's enough to simply go to Mass each weekend, I can also just show up to someone's house in time for a movie to start, and then leave once the credits start rolling without ever saying a single word. Through social cues and routine habits I might start to remember where the bathroom is at the person's house or that I enter through the back door, but I'll never know why they won't throw out the tattered blanket on the back of the couch. I'll never know why I'm there and not at my own house watching the movie. I may recognize significance and importance on the surface from mere observations, but I'll never know the deeper intimacy of their life and why I'm even showing up in the first place. I couldn't do that with my husband, so how I could I do that to the God of the Universe and expect to have a fulfilling desire to pick up the cross and follow Him?

"Lord, give me chastity and continence, but not yet!" – ST. AUGUSTINE, CONFESSIONS OF ST. AUGUSTINE

My friend knows what needs to be done to live a holier life because they've observed my personal witness of faith (not to make it sound like I'm so much more holy, refer to the earlier part of this blog 😊), but they aren't ready to go deeper because of what they must give up in the process. They come from a broken family and have lived two separate lives for so long, but I could tell in their voice that this friend still desires to practice their faith, and I pray that one day they break their habit of saying, "not yet" to Christ like St. Augustine eventually did. Just as glowing embers can still ignite into a glorious flame, they haven't thrown in the towel completely.

I've heard it said the only difference between a sinner and saint is that a saint will get back up when they fall. Although this friend has fallen countless times—just like me and every other human being in the world—they are still trying to learn how to stand back up. They recognize what holiness looks like, all that is left is for them to accept the relationship that's waiting for them on the other side.

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